Really Stephen, did you decide to celebrate my return to the real world by turning me colors?

NEWTs coming soon

I can't study any more

Now it's up to fate

Should I be worried when the last person to check out the book I'm reading was Padma Patil?  Just curious.  Sometimes I think that I'm one of the few who actually takes advantage of the fiction sections in the Hogwarts Library.  Well, actually I suppose that I should say myself and Padma.  But I can't help it I need a break from studying.  I'm a lazy girl by nature (not an unintelligent one simply a lazy one) so all this studying is really starting to get to me.  But I can't escape it.  None of my year mates are doing anything else and since I have so few friends the options outside of my year are limited  and Saffron's mad at me for some inexplicable reason.  It isn't like I'm likely to take first in anything.  That honor will likely fall to Asteria Greengrass, not that she isn't deserving.  I believe I'm going to take a week's study break and read novels.  There are still a few left in the library I haven't read and one of my goals was to work my way through all the fiction before I graduate.

.

mood: contemplative

It isn't like I didn't suspect all the things she said in that letter.  It isn't like I didn't know that she didn't want to be around me.  But it hurts.   It hurts so bad.

Okay, I'm having second thoughts about this growing up thing.  I looked at the calendar today and realized that there are about two months left of school.  Eight weeks until graduation.  Sixty-ish days until I'm part of the real world.  I barely know how to survive in this one.  Which makes a huge part of me wonder how I'm going to make it out there.  My support network isn't likely to change much since I'll be rooming with Saffron and Belinda and their friend Liam and I'm sure that Stephen and Tyler will be around but it just seems so odd to me.   And I'm going to have to check the used clothing stores in London for new clothes.  I have nothing to wear to work once I start.  Yeah, and I have to remember to Owl George about when I'm supposed to start too.  

Saffron's birthday is tomorrow and I'm worried about her I hope that she likes her gift.  I really hated not being able to buy her a gift.  I tried Owling my mother three times in the last week to see if there was any way that she could send me some money but the owls never found her.  She still hasn't written me to tell me where she is which is frustrating.  Sometimes I wish that she would have just lit out like my dad did before I could remember.  It doesn't hurt as badly knowing someone doesn't love you when they never had a chance to love you.  I miss Nan.  I miss feeling like there's someone who loves me.

Saw a couple of fifth year's snogging in the hall earlier and it made me feel old, I don't know why.

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday with hopes that today brings new beginngs where we all need them and continues those things that make our lives good.

Hopefully the day will be spent with family and/or those you care most about.

I just want NEWTS to be over with.  It seems like all I've done this week is study, which explains my marked absence as far as updating goes.  

Other than the most interesting Batman conversation with Saffron and a late night session that included a lot of chocolate and Pat Benatar music things have been really quiet for me this week.  No book bags in toilets, no getting locked in cupboards.  Just rubbing my nose raw on the grindstone.  

How long until graduation?

And what do I do then?

I wish I could fix my brain.  I've seen flashes of the me I used to be before, more so in the last week than I have in the past year.  But I want it to be more than glimpses.  I want to be the Vee who had friends and loved to talk with them long after lights out.  I want to be the girl who was comfortable enough in her own skin that she'd talk, even flirt with cute blokes.  I know that my "issues" need to be fixed or at least under control in the next three months because graduation and NEWTS are just around the corner.  And after that comes...I have no earthly idea.  

I know what I'd like to do but I just don't know if I CAN do it.  As it is I'm going to have to work to save the money I need because at the moment I have none.  Not even two knutes to rub together to adapt a Muggle phrase.  I suppose I can get a job in one of the shops until I figure things out.  The question becomes where.  But I still have three months and I should spend my time concentrating on NEWTS until then.  Though it isn't like I have anything to distract me.  

I snatched Parvati's bikini for her today.  Though I'm not completely sure how to contact her.  Wish I had a flown but that, like everything else will have to wait for a job.

location: Under a tree watching Quiddich practice mood: worried

I didn't nearly lose anything of importance today...other than maybe an arm or other important appendage.  I was late for my study group again but this time at least the reason was more important than my getting a little too involved in a bonkbuster like last time.

This time I was making plans to sneak out 

This time I was talking to an old friend.  I guess you would call her a friend, I'm not sure what the exact definition of the relationship is when you're cellmates with a person while being imprisioned because of the fact that you aren't pure enough for the current government.  Friendship seems to connote doing each other's hair and talking about blokes you fancy.  If blokes were mentioned at all I don't think that worrying about first kisses or second or third even was part of the conversation.  I remember many discussions on mortality and dreaming about what we would do when we got out...if we got out.

Bet seems the same person she was before the War.  I'm sure she isn't, we were all changed in so many ways, but she seems the same.  I wish I could say the same about myself.  I WANT to be the girl who existed before the War.  I really do.  But it's like she's hiding behind this wall of ice and snarky comments.  I would give almost anything to have that Vee back.  Which might explain why I agreed to her barmy plan, even though I'm pretty sure we'll get caught.  Going with Bet makes me feel normal again.  Even if it's only for  a night.

location: Gryffindor Tower mood: hopeful music: "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da" The Police